The Talk with RockDaddy is slowly being broached. It’s not easy after three months of living in willful ignorance. When things started to slip out of the just friends category back in late November, I was just relieved to have a bit of happiness and companionship back in my world. I just wanted to enjoy a moment’s rest and not rock the boat or jump too quickly into figuring out what exactly it all meant. I deserved a bit of peace and comfort.
Then, in early December, RockDaddy told me there was something he wanted to tell me but that he wasn’t quite ready. That provided a certain degree of reassurance that it was ok to just be. It would just be for a while longer. The Talk was on the radar and pretty good indication that it would be the get back together and relationship status talk. I didn’t want to push him. I didn’t want to push myself.
In the meantime I tried to let myself enjoy our time together while trying to manage expectations. It meant running through a list of scenarios in my head of what might be going unsaid. It meant figuring out how I felt about each and how it might impact what was going on between us. It meant taking the worst of those plausible scenarios and asking if I’d still be willing to stay if it turned out to be true. It meant hoping that wasn’t the true scenario and that I was just being overly cautious in presenting it as such.
I had my plausible worst case scenario in mind and decided I was still willing for the moment to continue as is, at least until the Talk, which should be coming soon.
Sometimes I curse my ability to put the pieces together. I can’t really live in complete ignorance. I just figure things out. I can’t help it. But when there isn’t actual ignorance, I can always rely on plausible deniability.
RockDaddy had said he wanted to talk but wasn’t quite ready but suggested he would be after he returned from a trip to New York. What could possibly make him ready after visiting New York? Another woman? Maybe he wanted to call things off with another woman first? One of the women I suspected he had a fling with during our off time lived in the States and travels often for work.* Maybe she’s in NYC and they had planned to meet? At this time RockDaddy and I had started to fool around and hang out more but we hadn’t started sleeping together yet. I could hardly be upset that he had already made plans to see another woman especially since signs seemed to indicate he was planning to call things off.
He returned from New York and after a few days said he realized he had said we would talk but he still needed a bit more time. Maybe he hadn’t called things off or maybe my imagination was overactive. Maybe he just thought his trip to NYC would be time to think and he hadn’t resolved whatever he thought he needed to resolve.
Despite the lack of talk, things continued to slip further into our old routine of our casual non-relationship relationship from back in the summer. Sex. I missed sex. Txts just to say hi. We went from seeing each other every week or two, to once a week, to once or twice per week, to two or three times per week. He started inviting me out when he got together with friends. But whereas in the summer we talked about everything, now there was a big elephant that neither of us dared approach – the Talk and why we weren’t having it.
To be continued
* or so I gathered from her LinkedIn account after I received an email notice that someone new just checked out my profile. I recognized the name as someone I’d seen comment on RockDaddy’s Twitter before. Note: If you are Internet stalking someone, as she clearly was, LinkedIn lets people see that you’ve viewed their profile if you are logged in. There may be a privacy setting to disable this feature. When I casually mentioned it to RockDaddy, he said it must have been because he had been talking about me and that there was overlap in our professional interests.